But there is no sensible reason why this savvy bunch would fall for her claptrap from the word go (the plot later comes up with a reason, which is related to fruit smoothies, but that’s as daft as it sounds). Masha is supposed to have a mesmeric hold over her clients, inducing them to drop their inhibitions and spill their innermost thoughts. For a while in episode two I genuinely wondered if the big reveal would be that Masha is an alien, but then figured it had only popped into my head because Kidman’s facial features now have an extra-terrestrial quality.
She has a cod Russian accent and Daryl Hannah’s haircut from Splash. This should be the moment that the show takes flight. The guests assemble and in walks Kidman as the retreat’s guru, Masha. Is the show going to be a horror? A murder mystery? And Then There Were None spliced with a Gwyneth Paltrow Goop summit? The drama is from the same team as Big Little Lies - novelist Liane Moriarty, showrunner David E Kelley and, of course, Kidman - so expectations are high. The staff glide around the place in a slightly creepy manner. All the guests have to hand over their mobile phones when they check in. This retreat is the terribly-named Tranquillum House. The group is rounded out by Luke Evans as Lars, who is here under false pretences. Tony (Bobby Cannavale) is an abrasive nightmare who would rather be anywhere else. Carmel (Regina Hall) is a shy people-pleaser hoping to lose weight and find some self-esteem. The Marconis - dad Napoleon (Michael Shannon), mum Heather (Asher Keddie) and their daughter Zoe (Grace Van Patten), are dealing with a family tragedy. Jessica (Samara Weaving) is a vacuous Instagrammer trying to work on her marriage to Ben (Melvin Gregg). Francis (a wonderfully watchable Melissa McCarthy) is a frazzled romantic novelist.
We meet nine people checking into a luxurious “wellness” retreat. And it is helpful for you to know this, because the opening episode is so promising. There is a void where the story should be, filled with gong baths and trippy music and Nicole Kidman’s least subtle performance since she played an evil taxidermist in Paddington. Here is what happens in Nine Perfect Strangers: nothing.
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